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Learn how to fight.
Self torture. Self loathing. Self sabotage. I do all of these things. I compulsively hurt myself. I punish myself. I’ve been noticing this more and more often. I feel like I deserve these things.
It’s crazy. I don’t believe these things. I don’t think that I deserve to be tortured, but I really get off on pain—especially when it’s emotional.
My most intense lovers are women who make me feel completely insecure. Which is lucky, because most women make me feel completely insecure. I always feel like they’re judging me. They must think I am ugly. I wish I was more attractive.
I don’t like my face. I hate my hair. My body always feels uncomfortable. I can’t wear a shirt and tie. It feels like someone is choking me. I panic. I sweat. My heart pounds in my ears.
This happens daily, with most of my clothing. I don’t like the way things press against my body. I don’t like being reminded that my body is there. I hate it. It has brought me nothing but anguish.
I have been teased and prodded and laughed at for it. I have been rejected for my body for years.
I am fat. I am husky. I am big in the bones. Whatever my lovers have called it. I am big. I am strong. I make her feel safe. I am like a human Teddy Bear.
I hate that. I don’t want to be a Teddy Bear. I want to be sexy. I want to be sexy without having the body of a twelve year old girl. I want to be a sexy man.
But really, I want to start to acknowledge that I was programmed to hate myself. I want to acknowledge it and stop it. I am killing myself slowly with focused self-hatred. It has to stop sometime. I have to start somewhere. So, I will start with this conclusion. I am an attractive man.
I still don’t believe it.
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