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My life began in May of 2009. I was mostly dead before then. I’d been ready to die since I was nineteen. It gives life a weird flavor, being ready for it, being on that edge. It’s really difficult to give a shit from that position. In fact, I used to get enraged when people expected me to worry about nonsense like my career and my future. I didn’t want some career label identity and my future doesn’t exist.
I was hyper-aware of every moment. I still am. I have always been. I feel the anguish of every second. The doctors called me extremely hyper-sensitive. It’s a symptom of post traumatic stress. It has mostly overwhelmed me all my life.
The reason you are here is because you are, Thomas. Geshe always called me Thomas. It was 1997. I was living in California. I was studying with a Buddhist monk. His name was Geshe Tubpa. I asked what the point of living really was. If all life is suffering, like the Buddha taught, why bother trying?
Then, in May of 2009, marijuana re-entered my life. I started smoking on a regular basis and something inside me clicked. I was awake. I was focused. I could write about the things I notice.
I can focus my hyperawareness. I listen. I hear people’s voices. There is a darkness in all of them. The people I meet are frightened. They don’t feel secure about anything anymore. Everyone is stressed out and exhausted. A lot of people are very ill. Half of my co-workers have swine flu. The rest of us have weird colds. Everyone is dying slowly and no one notices.
But I guess that’s life. At least, that’s what I’ve always been told. Life isn’t fair. Life is suffering. Happiness comes in random, unpredictable moments. Then you die. There is no after.
You try because you are able to, Thomas. You try because you are sentient and you change the world with your choices. Whether you like it or not, your choices have an impact in this world. The web of cause and effect spreads out in every direction. You touch lives indirectly and they touch others and so on across the globe. So the question is, Thomas, what kind of energy do you want to send into the world. And remember, whatever you send out, you get back tenfold, eventually.
Geshe fell silent. He closed his eyes and smiled. He loved when I wrestled with ideas. He thought my intellect was adorable.
You have too many ideas, Thomas. Too many tools for thinking. You should forget what you think you know. Forget who you think you are. You are vapor. You are a massive net of interlinking lives and stories. That’s what you are, my friend. That’s what we all are. You should honor that. Follow your karma.
I took a vow. I made you a promise. I’m trying. Geshe, I’m really trying.
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