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I have to pull myself together. I’ve let myself go. I had to for a while. I was in so much pain. I had to shut down to survive.
I don’t know what triggered it – I don’t think it matters, but for some reason I started remembering my childhood.
The memories are so vivid sometimes that I can feel them in my body. I shiver from my core like a frightened animal and start crying.
I have remembered beatings that left my body feeling raw.
I’ve had nightmares every night for a while. My body feels sore in the morning. My body feels like it’s been fighting.
To be honest with you, I’m physically exhausted. Sobbing takes so much energy. My ribs are sore to the touch.
It’s been hell. The last four months have been torture. But I think the worst is over. I think I’m shaking it off. I’ve been feeling lighter. My crying spells have been shorter.
And I just listened to the wind out my window as I drove down the dark highway. I was still and calm and focused. I found my center. I was open.
I was calm for an hour. I was ok. I’ve never felt that before.
I think I’m surviving. I think I’m healing. Maybe someday everything won’t hurt anymore. I am trying to imagine that.
I am hopeful.
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Metanarrative