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If you haven’t picked up on my hints so far, let me be blunt. I’m so good at it. I confess: I am a daily marijuana smoker. Yes. Yes, I know. I’m the devil incarnate. I’m a bad influence. I’m an adolescent adult. I’m a junky. I’m addicted to the pot.
I’ve heard all the bullshit. I’ve heard all the inconclusive statistics. I don’t care. I’m not getting high for kicks. I smoke marijuana because I don’t function without it. I can’t leave my house. My anxiety is too paralyzing.
So, I have no choice. I have to leave my home if I want to be successful in the world, and if I want to leave my home, I need to be medicated with Tetrahydrocannabinol (THC). It’s the only thing that calms my anxiety and doesn’t leave me dopey. Xanax turned me into a paraplegic zombie. Clorazapam just makes me sleep all day long.
Instead, THC takes the edge off. It helps me think clearly and write. I generally write immediately after dosing. So, yes, I’m writing this stoned. I took a double dose. It’s been a bad day. I am really very stoned right now.
Anyway, the coherent point I was trying to make, a point I will follow with a well-reasoned argument to support it – all while very, very stoned — is I have a drug problem. I don’t like smoking marijuana. I don’t care if you legalize it. Honestly, I’d prefer not to be smoking anything. I say gather up all the weeds and destroy them. I’m sick of how it smells, really.
Just please extract all the THC before you destroy the plants. Put it in a drink. Put it in water. Do whatever you can to make my medicine digestible and pleasant. I really don’t want lung cancer.
Still, I suppose I’m lucky. That’s my only drug problem. I dream of a new delivery system. I believe it’s called for. Just imagine: THC pills, THC patches, THC suppositories, and THC bottled water.
I know, the suppositories idea is a little overboard. I was just hoping. It’s just a humble request, not a political order. I’m just a guy with an illness, asking for a little help taking his medication. Feel free to ignore me. I’m sure most of you will. I mean—I’m not normal, I smoke so much marijuana.
I’m sure some of you think that I’m a stoner. I’m stupid. I’m melting into my couch. I’m anti-social and bungling and boring. I hear ya. I understand. You believe everything you see in the movies, and I think that’s sort of adorable. But here’s the thing:
Go fuck yourselves, all of you.
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Marijuana is a useful catalyst for specific optical and aural aesthetic perceptions. I apprehended the structure of certain pieces of jazz and classical music in a new manner under the influence of marijuana, and these apprehensions have remained valid in years of normal consciousness. –”The Great Marijuana Hoax: The First Manifesto to End the Bringdown”
I tried marijuana once. I did not inhale.
Just say no.
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