I have to stop whining about my past. I have to let it go. It’s over. It wasn’t my fault. I know this. I know that I was just a child. I know I couldn’t stop my father, He beat my mother. He beat me. Those things happened. I have to just face it and move on with my life. I can’t let this poison my entire existence.

It wasn’t really that bad, my childhood. My dad was violent, sure. He used to tickle me until I would vomit. He would tickle me until I beg him to stop it. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t take anymore. Please, daddy, no more.

But a lot of people have it worse. I know this. I hear about it all the time. I attract the wounded. I meet wounded people all the time. They find me. If I sit in a park for more than an hour, a wound person will be talking to me. I love their stories. I am so attentive.

Then I write about them. I show them their own beauty. They love me. Their lives have been harder than mine. I know this. My stories can’t compare. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for whining. I have to stop doing that soon. I have to stop crying. I have to stop my hands from shaking. I have to stop convulsing in my sleep. I have to stop remembering what it felt like to be beaten. I have to stop remembering the night my mother almost died. I have to get over it. It’s in the past. It’s over. I shouldn’t feel this way anymore.

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18 Responses
  1. Allen Ginsberg says:

    I’m crying all the time now.

    I cried all over the street when I left the Seattle Wobbly Hall.

    I cried listening to Bach.
I cried looking at the happy flowers in my backyard, I cried at the sadness of the middle aged trees.

    Happiness exists I feel it.

    I cried for my soul, I cried for the world’s soul.

    The world has a beautiful soul.

    God appearing to be seen and cried over. Overflowing heart of Paterson.

  2. J. Alfred Prufrock says:

    And would it have been worth it, after all,
    After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
    Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
    Would it have been worth while,
    To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
    To have squeezed the universe into a ball
    To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
    To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
    Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
    If one, settling a pillow by her head,
    Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
    That is not it, at all.”

  3. James Joyce says:

    “’History,’ Stephen said, ‘is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake”

  4. Jeff says:

    Let me just say this,

    ABOUT FREAKING TIME! Darling, how many years have I been trying to tell you to rid yourself of the past. As Angela Lansbury once said “Light the candles, get the ice out, roll the rug up It’s Today!”.

    Ah yes this is your “Rose’s Turn” darling. Merman is smiling on you.

    Am I the only one who’s not responding in prose?

  5. Tom Hardie says:

    I was being Ironical, Jeff.

  6. Robert Bly says:

    Humiliations, spankings and beatings, slaps in the face, betrayal, sexual exploitation, derision, neglect, etc. are all forms of mistreatment, because they injure the integrity and dignity of a child, even if their consequences are not visible right away. However, as adults, most abused children will suffer, and let others suffer, from these injuries. This dynamic of violence can deform some victims into hangmen who take revenge even on whole nations and become willing executors to dictators as unutterably appalling as Hitler and other cruel leaders. Beaten children very early on assimilate the violence they endured, which they may glorify and apply later as parents, in believing that they deserved the punishment and were beaten out of love. They don’t know that the only reason for the punishments they have ( or in retrospect, had) to endure is the fact that their parents themselves endured and learned violence without being able to question it. Later, the adults, once abused children, beat their own children and often feel grateful to their parents who mistreated them when they were small and defenseless.

    This is why society’s ignorance remains so immovable and parents continue to produce severe pain and destructivity – in all “good will”, in every generation. Most people tolerate this blindly because the origins of human violence in childhood have been and are still being ignored worldwide. Almost all small children are smacked during the first three years of life when they begin to walk and to touch objects which may not be touched. This happens at exactly the time when the human brain builds up its structure and should thus learn kindness, truthfulness, and love but never, never cruelty and lies.

    -Alice Miller
    http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php

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