Archive for the Category »Dawn «

Dawn is teasing me about her Halloween costume—a French maid outfit. I helped her buy the accessories for it: fishnet stockings, lacy white gloves, high-heel spiked boots, almost. They would be  perfect if the heal wasn’t so short, she told me. I was just enjoying watching her walk around the store. Sometimes my feelings for her are that pure. I just want to watch her moving.

But tonight I want to touch her. She’s in her maid costume right now. She’s sending me messages. We’re talking in texts. We do this often.

I’m sure she looks terrific. She is with her boyfriend today. I will see pictures of the costume tomorrow.

I will post them on the internet for you tomorrow, she writes. How intimate, I tease her, internet pictures.

You just want to see me naked, she retorts. She loves that I want her so much. I never pressure her to satisfy my desire. I think she loves that more.

Not “just” but I do want to see you naked, of course. I smile while I type that. I smile as if she can see it. I won’t have sex with you unless you want to. I don’t need an obligation fuck. That would just hurt you.

She replies with thank you. She thanks me for a lot and often. She thanks me for not telling her how to feel. She thanks me for hearing her when she speaks her thoughts. Mostly, I think she thanks me for being interested in her complete self, and not just her vagina. I think she adores me for it.

And she makes love with text messaged words. I adore her.

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…and I think I’m dying.

I think I’m trying to kill myself with my own memories—with words. I opened the floodgates on my nastiest sewers and now I’m drowning. I’m drowning in thirty-seven years of my own piss and shit and vomit. Then another flood gate opens and I swallow mouthfuls of other people’s piss and shit and vomit. It’s endless. I’m losing my breath.

I remember another beating every day. I remember being hit with belts. I remember being hit with metal colander spoons. I had welts on my leg for weeks. I remember being hit in the head with a fork.

The blood was spraying from my head in spurts. I remember.

I remember. My muscles convulse with fear. I remember. I’m paralyzed. I’m screaming. I remember it all. I feel the beatings again and start weeping. My muscles are nauseous; emotion is spattered on all of my walls.

Its finally coming out. The pain and the fear and the rage—all of it is coming up at once. It’s disgusting.

Lara, Dawn, Rae, anyone, please grab me. I’m sinking. I can’t tread though this muck much longer. I’m so fucking exhausted.

I think I’m dying of my own poison.

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I’m creating a self-portrait. I never realized this before. I am creating the man I want to be in words. I am cataloguing all of my stories and all of my thought for the world. That is what a poet does. That’s my job. To be me and accurately report on it.

Sorry, I’m having a moment here. I’m in the middle of an epiphany—just like James Joyce—except I get to be stoned while I’m feeling in it.

Finnegans Wake is gibberish! It just felt good to write that. Sorry it was so abrupt.I’m going to get back to the responsibilities of being Tom Hardie.

I should call Dawn.

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