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Sometimes I wish I had become a Buddhist monk. I almost did, once upon a time. I was bumming around in San Diego. I was lost. I had no idea what to do with my life. I found a local Buddhist center and started attending classes. That was where I met Geshe Tubpa. He singled me out and took me under his wing.
He said he was intrigued by my questions in class. He told me he saw the enlightenment in my eyes. He said my intelligence was getting in my way. He invited me to his private meditation sessions. We sat in silence for hours. We bowed to the potential Buddha in all of us.
Tubpa wanted me to be a teacher. Tubpa wanted me to write. Don’t try to change the world, Thomas. Just write about it honestly.
We took trips to the mountains to listen to rivers. I told him about Joy. She was in New Jersey in graduate school. She was going to join me in California in a year. We were going to get an apartment. We were going to get married. I loved her.
Tubpa always smiled. He adjusted his robes and advised me against attachment and craving. Just remember, Thomas, the person you love should not be a condition of your happiness. That’s a lot of pressure. And if that person dies, where will that leave you?
Joy didn’t die. She left me. She called me at 5 AM one morning. She was crying. She had been at a party the night before. She kissed another man. She was sorry. The distance between us made her too sad. Our relationship was ended shortly after that conversation.
Tubpa found me sobbing in the meditation hall. I was trying to meditate through my sadness. It was working. My face was soaked with tears. Tubpa asked me what was wrong. He sat down beside in a perfect meditation posture.
I stammered the story out and collapsed into his arms. I sobbed all over his maroon and gold robe. My heart was broken. I was three thousand miles away from my family. The Buddhist center was my home. I wanted to hide there forever. I wanted to take vows and become a monk. I was tired of living in the world. I wanted to meditate. I wanted to focus on seeing things for what they really are.
I asked Tubpa to endorse me. It was the only way to be considered. My teacher had to endorse me. Tubpa said no. The monastery wasn’t for hiding. The monastery wasn’t my home. I was meant to live in the world. I was meant to be a teacher. I was meant to write. Tubpa sent me back to New Jersey, lost and broken hearted. I resnted him for years, but he was right.
So, last week, I lost my job. My superiors were offended by my writing. I wrote something that offended people enough to fire me. It happened to Walt Whitman once, too. I was a little excited.
My stories and my life are controversial. You have no idea what it was like to have a lot of people react that strongly to my work. It was the first time I ever felt talented. It was the first time I felt like I had a strong voice. It was the first time I ever felt like I could be an important writer. It felt so real. I think it scared me.
So, I have been a little blocked. I couldn’t think of anything to write.
I suddenly thought about what Geshe would say? Just write something. Write anything. Write now. Don’t censor yourself. Don’t get hung up on labels like good and bad. Write your first thought and follow it.
I wrote about Geshe. And you just read it. Buddhism works.
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You passed through this. I also put on the cloak, then took it off, saving what I thought was meant for me. There’s a missing the point in here.. each person’s point is different…
Each person’s point is different and inter-connected with all other individual points by the karmic web of causation and the law of dependent origination. None of us exist independent of others. Our existence is purely relative. Everything and everyone owes existence to everything and everyone. It’s all connected, I think. It’s a very structuralist ideology, I know, but it works for me.
Hi, Interesting, I`ll quote it on my site later.
Socco
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Thank you, Callie. I try to be as straightforward as possible while still remaining literary. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I shine. That’s life, I guess.
I will check out your site and add it to my links section above: “The Other Hangers.”
Thank you for all of your kind words.
-TH
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